dairy free

Dr.Google; Aspergers-Cancer

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3AM… Sleepy eyed I type; Aspergers. I read and come up empty. I type; Sensory Disorder {nothing}. Spirited child..


Aha, I had heard it before that was surely it. 

Spirited Child- A child described as being more difficult  for parents to parent; and, one who resists most forms of comfort. It is in a sense the new politically correct term used to describe children we don’t otherwise have an explanation for. It is a nice way of saying strong willed {which she is to this day} but that is a strength not a weakness. It should be something to be admired not something to be judged. 

I down load the book and …give more attention {how can I possibly give her more?} identify what triggers her {EVERYTHING.} Gah, with each passing day I grow more frustrated and angry. I stop reading. Why am I back at these labels? 

Time is ticking with each day that passes we are one step closer to juggling a new born and night tantrums in our home. You see these tantrums at night were not an issue with baby number three. This was something new.  Could this really be an “act” to get more time with us knowing another tiny person would be entering the world soon? 

Nope.. No way. Who wakes at a consistent time night after night simply to disrupt a household for attention?

Does she need therapy some ask? Nope.. No way. She’s three, at home with mom and dad; not to mention all of her different behaviors since birth. Oh’yeah, and she hates strangers so I’m pretty sure talking to a therapist would sound more like dead silence filling an empty space.

The alarm bells are ringing again..

A well visit in August proved still a healthy little girl, but four/five months had since passed and the numbers on the scale are alarmingly different. She has lost 3 lbs since. How is that even possible? She’s eating. We eat healthy mostly organic, order from area farms, and I pretty sure even my pregnancy mom brain would notice a full plate at the end of a meal. One pound different than her 22 month younger brother. Alarming and a bit concerning. Children should not lose weight without explanation; I know this. Is it cancer? 

Is this monster eating my child’s inside the very disease that takes so many? The thought enters as quickly as it leaves..

She is not well and I will do what it takes to save her from this. I will hesitate and be fearful of what I might find but I will trust in the one who created her. I will trust in Him, the father of all creation. 



Transfiguring Darkness

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“Darkness transfigures into light, bad transfigures into good-” this quote is from a book I’m currently reading 1000 Gifts; by, Emily Freeman

The days of darkness were long and filled with uncertainty as we sat night after night in the cold van. How could any of this be good? I find strength from above because surely no one could survive on what rest I am getting.


Moms groups and play dates keep my sanity by day. I joined MOPS when my oldest was born. A beautiful blessing it was. Mom’s who understood and care givers that accepted my children into their arms time and time again despite extreme separation anxiety. Caregivers rocking my sweet little one’s as I learn, grow, and be poured into myself {a rare treat}.

Amongst many who touched my life at this time. There was another; a mother I was destined to meet. {Well, I didn’t know this for sometime} She was as sweet as can be and clearly passionate about cooking for her family. This women handed a me a business card. {Right then, she planted an unknowing seed in my hand.} She was starting a gluten free web-sight as 3/5ths of her family requires this special diet. I would tuck the card kindly into my pocket and then a file. A file that remained closed for quite sometime. We would meet again as a job opportunity arose for myself as an online contributor for our city. There we sat over coffee and treats. Her babes and mine; but clearly I did not see an instant connection. A connection I would soon see was strategically planned by God himself.

Meanwhile, at home the fits continue and the rustling of the sheets makes my head swell with anguish. Why can’t she even cuddle? Must she rub her feet together; like two sticks starting a fire. Her clothing never quite ‘right‘. The wrong color, the wrong size, long sleeves and pants in the summer. A real independent trend setter we have on our hands. 

I say nothing to no one outside the home as the pain within hurts too much. Then, I step one shaking, foot in front of the other…

I turn “Google Dr.” 3AM after another visit to the van….

Empty and dark these are my days and nights with her; a child I so badly want to understand.

Night Tantrums

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Lying in bed, heart racing the time is drawing near; 12:00 AM, 1:00..

It’s here the the rustling of the covers and the groaning so dreaded. Another night and another tantrum. She cries, screams, and kicks. Hysterical with no option but to leave; we sit in the car until it has passed. Like a storm brewing beneath the ocean waiting to surface it’s ugly colors. The cold, dark January air cools our skin but fails to end the three year old hysterics filling the small space. 


Why does she do this? Why does she act like this? Years have passed and the answer still remains unclear. Countless hours of sitting, holding, squeezing, and yelling. My yelling to make it stop; her yelling I can’t. Why my sweet, beautiful girl. Her huge brown eyes with lashes most just dream of; her white, blonde hair that shimmers in the sun. Why her? Why us?

It is as if she is possessed by something much stronger than herself. A confused head and an aching heart for my child who so often spirals out of control. This gift we have been given; a second daughter. A blessing. 

This can not be normal I continue to ponder as I have been down these roads before. We have another and she does not act like this. Do not compare; as no two are the same. Demons from below stirring about her young soul waiting to explode. Eyes rolled back in her head and flailing limbs surface time and time again. 

The mystery remains and the episodes worsen with every turn of the calendar. Behavior that is certainly not acceptable to society let alone conducive to a pregnant mother that needs rest so her unborn babe can grow in her womb. 

The days are numbered and the panic is setting in. This child she is the second oldest. What example is she setting? Have we parented her wrongly? We need answers and fast as the new baby will be here soon. 

Four children under 7 and earth shaking tantrums. How I hope the light is near or I simply might not survive.