Transfiguring Darkness

“Darkness transfigures into light, bad transfigures into good-” this quote is from a book I’m currently reading 1000 Gifts; by, Emily Freeman

The days of darkness were long and filled with uncertainty as we sat night after night in the cold van. How could any of this be good? I find strength from above because surely no one could survive on what rest I am getting.

Moms groups and play dates keep my sanity by day. I joined MOPS when my oldest was born. A beautiful blessing it was. Mom’s who understood and care givers that accepted my children into their arms time and time again despite extreme separation anxiety. Caregivers rocking my sweet little one’s as I learn, grow, and be poured into myself {a rare treat}.

Amongst many who touched my life at this time. There was another; a mother I was destined to meet. {Well, I didn’t know this for sometime} She was as sweet as can be and clearly passionate about cooking for her family. This women handed a me a business card. {Right then, she planted an unknowing seed in my hand.} She was starting a gluten free web-sight as 3/5ths of her family requires this special diet. I would tuck the card kindly into my pocket and then a file. A file that remained closed for quite sometime. We would meet again as a job opportunity arose for myself as an online contributor for our city. There we sat over coffee and treats. Her babes and mine; but clearly I did not see an instant connection. A connection I would soon see was strategically planned by God himself.

Meanwhile, at home the fits continue and the rustling of the sheets makes my head swell with anguish. Why can’t she even cuddle? Must she rub her feet together; like two sticks starting a fire. Her clothing never quite ‘right‘. The wrong color, the wrong size, long sleeves and pants in the summer. A real independent trend setter we have on our hands. 

I say nothing to no one outside the home as the pain within hurts too much. Then, I step one shaking, foot in front of the other…

I turn “Google Dr.” 3AM after another visit to the van….

Empty and dark these are my days and nights with her; a child I so badly want to understand.

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