31days

Transfiguring Darkness

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“Darkness transfigures into light, bad transfigures into good-” this quote is from a book I’m currently reading 1000 Gifts; by, Emily Freeman

The days of darkness were long and filled with uncertainty as we sat night after night in the cold van. How could any of this be good? I find strength from above because surely no one could survive on what rest I am getting.


Moms groups and play dates keep my sanity by day. I joined MOPS when my oldest was born. A beautiful blessing it was. Mom’s who understood and care givers that accepted my children into their arms time and time again despite extreme separation anxiety. Caregivers rocking my sweet little one’s as I learn, grow, and be poured into myself {a rare treat}.

Amongst many who touched my life at this time. There was another; a mother I was destined to meet. {Well, I didn’t know this for sometime} She was as sweet as can be and clearly passionate about cooking for her family. This women handed a me a business card. {Right then, she planted an unknowing seed in my hand.} She was starting a gluten free web-sight as 3/5ths of her family requires this special diet. I would tuck the card kindly into my pocket and then a file. A file that remained closed for quite sometime. We would meet again as a job opportunity arose for myself as an online contributor for our city. There we sat over coffee and treats. Her babes and mine; but clearly I did not see an instant connection. A connection I would soon see was strategically planned by God himself.

Meanwhile, at home the fits continue and the rustling of the sheets makes my head swell with anguish. Why can’t she even cuddle? Must she rub her feet together; like two sticks starting a fire. Her clothing never quite ‘right‘. The wrong color, the wrong size, long sleeves and pants in the summer. A real independent trend setter we have on our hands. 

I say nothing to no one outside the home as the pain within hurts too much. Then, I step one shaking, foot in front of the other…

I turn “Google Dr.” 3AM after another visit to the van….

Empty and dark these are my days and nights with her; a child I so badly want to understand.

Night Tantrums

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Lying in bed, heart racing the time is drawing near; 12:00 AM, 1:00..

It’s here the the rustling of the covers and the groaning so dreaded. Another night and another tantrum. She cries, screams, and kicks. Hysterical with no option but to leave; we sit in the car until it has passed. Like a storm brewing beneath the ocean waiting to surface it’s ugly colors. The cold, dark January air cools our skin but fails to end the three year old hysterics filling the small space. 


Why does she do this? Why does she act like this? Years have passed and the answer still remains unclear. Countless hours of sitting, holding, squeezing, and yelling. My yelling to make it stop; her yelling I can’t. Why my sweet, beautiful girl. Her huge brown eyes with lashes most just dream of; her white, blonde hair that shimmers in the sun. Why her? Why us?

It is as if she is possessed by something much stronger than herself. A confused head and an aching heart for my child who so often spirals out of control. This gift we have been given; a second daughter. A blessing. 

This can not be normal I continue to ponder as I have been down these roads before. We have another and she does not act like this. Do not compare; as no two are the same. Demons from below stirring about her young soul waiting to explode. Eyes rolled back in her head and flailing limbs surface time and time again. 

The mystery remains and the episodes worsen with every turn of the calendar. Behavior that is certainly not acceptable to society let alone conducive to a pregnant mother that needs rest so her unborn babe can grow in her womb. 

The days are numbered and the panic is setting in. This child she is the second oldest. What example is she setting? Have we parented her wrongly? We need answers and fast as the new baby will be here soon. 

Four children under 7 and earth shaking tantrums. How I hope the light is near or I simply might not survive. 

Five Minute Friday ; Write

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This is when I hit the pause button from my 31days of food intolerance posting and take some time for me. 


It’s Five Minute Friday; a bunch of us crazy blogger types gather together #fmfparty it up and join in a community like no other. We write on a given prompt for 5 minutes, unedited, and link up at Lisa Jo-Bakers blog for a sharing good time. Join us! 


Today’s prompt; Write
Go

So many times this week thoughts danced in my head; why me? I write for one and nothing more. I write to vent, find peace, and understand. I’m not a professional and there are so many more knowledgeable than myself. I do not public speak, my platform is small, and what does all of this matter anyways?

There are blogs with bigger numbers and writers with an established platform. Why am I here? I don’t truly belong in this place at times. It is a foreign world to me that I have so much to learn. However, a glimmer of hope, trust, and friendship keeps me going.

I struggle and press on. Each 31day post I write brings tears, truth, and a real story to the table. A story not many know accept for those living physically in our home. Food intolerances, allergies, and the like are real. It can be hard and frustrating but we are together as one in a community. 

We are one working together for the good of many. Yes, my friends I’m writing, advocating, and speaking on behalf of millions. I might be writing for one but represent many. He spoke and I will answer. I will press on. I will push beyond my outer limits. I will educate, encourage, and write until I can no longer. It is my calling and that is why I’m home.