A Mothers Desperate Discovery

She is exhausted and sleeping: three  hours of crying will do that to you. It was a tantrum like none other. Starting like so many before it… “One more mommy; just one more?” “No, it is almost dinner and you have an entire bowl of animal crackers. You do not need any more.” It started and had no end in sight.

Siblings walk around plugging their ears begging us {the parents} to make her stop. As ridiculous as it was we could not help but laugh at some points; if we did not laugh we were sure to cry along side her. I record her this time out of disbelief; spitting, yelling, kicking, and screaming she carries on for hours. 
I replay the events of the day over and over in my head. I’ve got this. I know this. I’ve seen this. These tantrums; they look vaguely familiar. I’ve fought these fights before in my past. It begins to click as day turns to night I clutch my laptop as if it’s the last string of hope. I search; gluten intolerance, gluten sensitivity, and dairy reactions in children. There is light! 
My vision blurred from tears and endless hours of reading. I believe I have found it. Captivated as I read countless stories of children; yes, just like mine and their desperate  parents whom want simply to understand and help. I have indeed found it. 
The very thing that triggers her is the very thing we need from birth; food! Of coarse, why have I not thought of it sooner? 

God gives us the pieces a little at a time: we truly only see the big picture once all the pieces are put in their correct place(s). I get it. I really get it. These tantrums like so many others I’ve worked with in therapy. My countless hours of psychology studies, a natural born obsession with nutrition, and a calling. A calling to be her mother. 

I rest knowing that we are going on a journey together as a family. I fear this might break me but I rest knowing the key is officially in my hand. I have been so naive to think I was doing it right; feeding my children well. Hopeless, lost, hurt, and humiliated; I look beyond these feelings knowing we are about to meet our little girl for the first time. 

Five Minute Friday 

So I’m stretching the horizon today and writing 2 posts within 1. I’m linking up with my girls at Lisa Jo-Bakers. The rules are simple 1 word {a given prompt} five minutes, no editing, and join the #fmfparty and have some fun. 

Today’s Five Minute Friday word; ordinary

It’s 5:00 AM a typical day around her. The coffee is starting to brew and I gather myself onto our couch for my morning routine. A hellomornings check in, a quick glance at email, a blog post to schedule, a shower, and a school day to prep for before the house is bustling with the noise of my children. 

There are breakfasts to be made, children that need changing, and before long our ordinary day has begun. 

School, lunch, more school, playtime, maybe a walk or visit to the park, dinner,  baths, and bedtime routines we scurry about like hamsters in a wheel. 

I give thanks for the ordinary in my day. The simple things like routine, the sunrise, and the cardinal family that visits us daily. I find security and comfort in the things that remain consistent in life. 

Dreams of extraordinary dance about in my head daily. Reaching beyond our outer limits, challenging self, and a goal to change the monotony of a day. An ordinary that is consistent is comfort but are we to simply accept comfort or push beyond? Today a challenge to step forth into a new light, chase the unimaginable, achieve the extraordinary, and rest in your ordinary. 

Dr.Google; Aspergers-Cancer

3AM… Sleepy eyed I type; Aspergers. I read and come up empty. I type; Sensory Disorder {nothing}. Spirited child..

Aha, I had heard it before that was surely it. 

Spirited Child- A child described as being more difficult  for parents to parent; and, one who resists most forms of comfort. It is in a sense the new politically correct term used to describe children we don’t otherwise have an explanation for. It is a nice way of saying strong willed {which she is to this day} but that is a strength not a weakness. It should be something to be admired not something to be judged. 

I down load the book and …give more attention {how can I possibly give her more?} identify what triggers her {EVERYTHING.} Gah, with each passing day I grow more frustrated and angry. I stop reading. Why am I back at these labels? 

Time is ticking with each day that passes we are one step closer to juggling a new born and night tantrums in our home. You see these tantrums at night were not an issue with baby number three. This was something new.  Could this really be an “act” to get more time with us knowing another tiny person would be entering the world soon? 

Nope.. No way. Who wakes at a consistent time night after night simply to disrupt a household for attention?

Does she need therapy some ask? Nope.. No way. She’s three, at home with mom and dad; not to mention all of her different behaviors since birth. Oh’yeah, and she hates strangers so I’m pretty sure talking to a therapist would sound more like dead silence filling an empty space.

The alarm bells are ringing again..

A well visit in August proved still a healthy little girl, but four/five months had since passed and the numbers on the scale are alarmingly different. She has lost 3 lbs since. How is that even possible? She’s eating. We eat healthy mostly organic, order from area farms, and I pretty sure even my pregnancy mom brain would notice a full plate at the end of a meal. One pound different than her 22 month younger brother. Alarming and a bit concerning. Children should not lose weight without explanation; I know this. Is it cancer? 

Is this monster eating my child’s inside the very disease that takes so many? The thought enters as quickly as it leaves..

She is not well and I will do what it takes to save her from this. I will hesitate and be fearful of what I might find but I will trust in the one who created her. I will trust in Him, the father of all creation. 

Night Tantrums


Lying in bed, heart racing the time is drawing near; 12:00 AM, 1:00..

It’s here the the rustling of the covers and the groaning so dreaded. Another night and another tantrum. She cries, screams, and kicks. Hysterical with no option but to leave; we sit in the car until it has passed. Like a storm brewing beneath the ocean waiting to surface it’s ugly colors. The cold, dark January air cools our skin but fails to end the three year old hysterics filling the small space. 

Why does she do this? Why does she act like this? Years have passed and the answer still remains unclear. Countless hours of sitting, holding, squeezing, and yelling. My yelling to make it stop; her yelling I can’t. Why my sweet, beautiful girl. Her huge brown eyes with lashes most just dream of; her white, blonde hair that shimmers in the sun. Why her? Why us?

It is as if she is possessed by something much stronger than herself. A confused head and an aching heart for my child who so often spirals out of control. This gift we have been given; a second daughter. A blessing. 

This can not be normal I continue to ponder as I have been down these roads before. We have another and she does not act like this. Do not compare; as no two are the same. Demons from below stirring about her young soul waiting to explode. Eyes rolled back in her head and flailing limbs surface time and time again. 

The mystery remains and the episodes worsen with every turn of the calendar. Behavior that is certainly not acceptable to society let alone conducive to a pregnant mother that needs rest so her unborn babe can grow in her womb. 

The days are numbered and the panic is setting in. This child she is the second oldest. What example is she setting? Have we parented her wrongly? We need answers and fast as the new baby will be here soon. 

Four children under 7 and earth shaking tantrums. How I hope the light is near or I simply might not survive.